‪#‎1000Speak‬

"Compassion is the emotion that one feels in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help. Compassion is really the act of going out of your way to help physical, spiritual, or emotional hurts or pains of another."

Today is World Day of Social Justice and it is the day a group of bloggers choose to flood the Blogosphere with good - it all started here : https://summat2thinkon.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/we-all-need-the-village/

I wanted to be a part of this movement because through people who have touched my life with their compassion for my circumstances I have found in me a the ability to still feel compassion for others and so give back. 

In the midst of our own pain and struggles we often forget that we are not the only ones suffering.  When we get told 'this too shall pass' or 'somebody else is worse off than you' often the knee jerk reaction is to bite back and say NO - nobody has it as hard as what I have it.  You right, nobody can have it as hard as you do - because they don't live your life.  But they can have compassion and they can try and understand and support you.  At the same token it is not for you to judge anybody else for the choices they make, the life they live, the path they follow.  That is their journey, not yours.  

But this is why we need compassion - for connection.  

This is what makes us all human.  What keeps us all bound together.  The feeling of compassion for our fellow human beings.   It makes us entwine our lives around that of others.  We realise that we alone cannot rid the world of its evils.  That we alone cannot take on the world.  We need connection.  But to do that we need to understand others.  And to understand others we need compassion.  

Sadly although now a 'global village' connected via the web and switched on 24/7 365 days of the year we are no longer village.  We share stronger connections with strangers on Facebook then we do with our neighbours across the road.  This is how neglected kids, abused women, malnourished animals and all manner of evil and no good has managed to creep into the very fabric of our society, our neighbourhoods, our schools.   We are too busy behind our computers and locked in our homes to connect with those physically around us.   

We trawl the social networks and comment on both the famous and ordinary people whose misfortune it may be to have their piece of tragedy spread across the net.  We all know how quickly stories can go viral, true or not.  I, a strong supporter of women's rights, found myself removing myself from various 'Feminist' groups after a number of stories appeared around a transgender issue and the mother at the centre of the storm was vilified to such extremes that some were calling for her death.  This because she could not accept her son wanted to be a girl.  And her way of dealing with it was not acceptable to a good 85% of the people who posted on the threads.  

Not one shred of compassion was shown for a mother who was burying her 17 year old son.  No parent should have to bury their child.  I myself am the mother of a 17 year old boy and in the midst of all of what was being said I was able to find that compassion she needed, to put myself in her position and understand that no matter what people were saying she was just a mom who had just lost her child.   While I didn't agree with all the steps she had taken the bottom line was she was a mom and her child had died and she was in pain.  People had no right to say the things they did.  The lack of compassion is what drove a lack of connection.  It turned into a spat between personalities and the issues at hand were completely sidelined. 

It was a massive driving factor in my decision to lead a more mindful life going forward.  And that included being more watchful of what I was reading.  I can still support women's rights but I am taking a stand by not supporting pages who allow another woman to be so dreadfully abused, all in the name of freedom of speech.   

Don't get me wrong.  I would never for anything give up any of the connections I have made via Facebook or other social media I use.  It is those friends which have played a huge part in my road to recovery.  That sense of knowing that I'm not alone in this little spot on the planet.  That some of the problems I have are shared far and wide.  And that people are able to understand and have compassion towards me.  It is with their encouragement that I now write these pieces.  That I publish them.  That I don't worry if nobody reads it because I know my words are strong enough regardless.  They, and other people in my life, understood when nobody else could or would.    

To paraphrase Lizzi Rogers whose blog started all of this "If you look after whoever is standing next to you and they look after whoever is next to them and they look after the next one and the next one so eventually it will go full circle and you will be looked after by whoever is on the other side of you"  

There is your village. 

What we need to do though is incorporate both our online and offline villages so that we extend that village and we don't miss what is outside our front door and we make sure our online friends know they part of our village to.  As a very good friend realised this week when he vanished for 6 days without saying he would be offline....   you know who you are. 

Compassion for me is the reminder that I feel.  That I am alive.  That I can sympathise with others pain and want to help them heal.  Even if all I can do is offer a gentle smile, a hug, a virtual "I'm here".  It isn't the big gestures.   The people who have reached out to me haven't made grand gestures.  They have just let me know they are there and they aren't leaving.  And they don't judge me even though I judge myself harshly.   There actions have allowed me to find in me the strength to keep paying the compassion forward.  

Be compassionate. Connect.  Love.  

Remember we are all human.  We all bleed the same, breathe the same, cry the same, smile the same, laugh the same, die the same.  None of us are better than the other and we all deserve love and acceptance.  And that starts with compassion for each others circumstances and choices.  

Compassion and love  is what makes us and what keeps us human. 

What will you be doing in the 40 days of Lent?  Will it be the tradition Christian observations?  A more relaxed approach perhaps?  Are you even aware that the 40 days of Lent started today?

I've put a brief description at the bottom explaining the meaning in terms of the Christian calendar.  Raised Anglican we did observe the period with the notable dates being observed although I wasn't really aware of Lent as such.  Shrove Tuesday would be my strongest memory, perhaps because at the age of 10 I was violently ill after consuming chicken a la king pancakes - thus resulting in me swearing off both for the next 25 years.  I am not religious in the traditional sense so am not observing Lent from that perspective.

In fact I don't even know if I will in particular be giving anything up during this period either.

The 40 days are generally a period of self reflection.  Most people will go in with intentions of giving up on a vice - be it sugar, Facebook, alcohol .... sort of a late take on New Years Resolutions.  I started off that way but stopped myself as quickly as I started drawing up the list.  I just knew I would not stick to it.  Yes I know what I should be giving up on it but trying to guilt myself into isn't going to work.  All that will happen is I won't meet the goals, end up feeling guilty and berate myself.  Ending up achieving absolutely nothing except self-loathing.  No thanks.  

So I am going to use my 40 days mindfully.  And there are really only 2 areas I am focusing on.  Again by being mindful I am understanding I can't tackle it all.  I have a lot going on in my life right now and I know that if I load it all up I will give up before I even hit day 3, let alone get to day 40.   I'm no stranger to projects of this length having done a number of 50 day projects.  But it does take stamina, focus and willpower.    

The first thing and top of my list is my health.  My diabetes is not quite right at the moment.  Readings appear fine but something is wrong and changes are needed.  But I know myself.  If I throw too many changes into that pot at once you can forget it.  I will binge eat on everything I can possibly lay my hands on.  So slowly.  Little less sugar in my tea.  Smaller plate at dinner time.  Healthier choices for lunch.  Small changes over time become habit and before I know it I will be feeling the benefits.   Added to my eating habits is my general fitness.  A year ago I was doing well.  I need to get back there. Find that motivation and just push through.  I'm not getting any younger and the closer I creep to 40 the harder it will be to really make the proper changes.  

So for 40 days I will make mindful eating choices.  Trying to keep them as healthy as I can so that I can build good habits.  I will also commit to walking 5 times a week.  I've joined the local Run/Walk for Life.  Going at a steady pace.  Three sessions a week with them and 2 others during the week on my own.   I need to remember why I'm doing this - so that I can live a long healthy life, seeing my children grow up and being able to do things when I'm older without having my health being a problem.  

Second on the list (which has been there now for way too long) is my declutter project.  I got it underway tonight.  I did my entrance hall table - yes I know it sounds like no big deal but believe me it's a big deal to me and my promise to myself is every evening, either when I get home from work or straight after dinner, I will tackle one area and sort it out.  Thankfully some large areas are already done so this is a project I CAN do in 40 days and I WILL do in 40 days.  I've become completely intolerant of clutter.  The charity pile has started and once the corner is full the first load is off.  Less is more.  And I need less, less, less. 

In between all of this I will be reflecting.  I have come far in the last 20 months.  I've achieved this by committing to goals and working my way towards them.  So I know I can do the next 40 days.  It will be good for my soul.  Good for my health.  Good for my space.  

Find time for yourself in the next 40 days to try and do something meaningful.  It doesn't have to be about religion.  But it is a good time to reflect back on what has been.  The chaos of Christmas, New Years and back to school is over.  Valentines is done.  Next on the calendar is Easter and that is when Lent is over.   Take the space to breath.  Look around you.  Clear some space, spiritual and physical.  You can only benefit. 

May the next 40 days be good to you, however you spend them. 

Ok which of those 3 in the title got your attention... ?

It has been the weekend of LOVE.  Valentine's Day 2015 was yesterday.  Close to $19 billion, yes that is 19 BILLION DOLLARS was expected to be spent in the US alone yesterday.  Don't get me started on what that could have done for world hunger.  That's a lot of money to spend expecting to get lucky.  And really it is a quid pro quo system in a lot of cases sadly. And that works both ways!  She expects the gifts.  He expects the sex.   And it is reserved for ONE day in the calendar, out of a whole 365.  

Yes you guessed it - another 'holiday' that is not high on my list of favourites.  First off again it comes down to commercialisation.  Valentines Day things were in the shop by January, before the back to school madness even started.   Sex is simply the last thing on the  mind for most moms who are still trying to get past Christmas and through back to school.  

Added to the hype of Valentines 2015 was the release of the much anticipated 50 Shades of Grey movie.  Well for those people who are too lazy to pick up a book or are titillated at the thought of sex on the big screen, with societies permission.  Imagine that, who thought porn would get into a movie theatre near you.?

Yes sarcasm.  

However in my opinion there are going to be a lot of people walking out bitterly 'let down' and 'unsatisfied' ....The women are expecting romance and heat they felt reading the books, the guys are expecting porn.... another unsatisfactory experience... 

Ladies please read the book.  But with some thought and understanding.  I am the mother of 2, twice married.  Most certainly not a prude who has lived a sheltered life but there were things in those books that
 (a) made me blush
 (b) I had to Google search as I had NO idea what they were on about. 
 When I first read the books in conversation with other ladies reading it I still remarked there was no ways they could turn these into movies.  They would either have to cut out all the sex or age restrict it as a hard core porn movie.  If you have an ounce of an imagination in your head it will run riot with the books.  Book 1 is fairly tame but by book 2 and 3, well the gloves come off... my eyes were certainly opened.  

I did and still do credit the books with doing a lot for opening up dialogue between women and then between partners.  They started to talk about sex after these books.  What they wanted, needed and liked and they didn't feel like tramps doing it.  They could reference 'popular culture' and at least talk.  That is good.  But that is where all the good stopped.  

Of course there are 2 sides to that which is why I won't be watching the movies.  (Besides the fact that I firmly believe it is almost impossible to translate a book into a movie.  Once you have read the book you are forever spoilt against the movie).

I myself am a survivor of abuse and while I can appreciate the 'story' of 50 Shades and the 'erotic literature' I would not be able to stomach watching it.  Not when I know she is being coerced into consenting.  He is using his wealth and influence.  Everything screams emotional and mental abuse.  You can talk yourself around it all you want.  I bought the books and read the story but I'm intelligent enough to stop throwing my money at something which supports an abusive relationship.  He justifies his behaviour as the result of being abused as a child.  Yes I get all that.  However she can't fix him and the books allow us to believe she can.  

I can see so many young girls getting fooled by this.  An acquaintance borrowed my books.  She is young, impressionable. and newly married, nearly 30 so certainly not a child.  But she thinks Christian Grey is such a romantic soul.  A man after her heart.  Nope darling... he's a man with a whip and he wants to beat the crap out of you for his pleasure. And he won't stop when you use the safe word, which goes against everything that BDSM stands for!  However I know nothing I say will change her mind.  I've cautioned her not to see the movie.  However I think her husband may convince her otherwise. 

According to reviews  most of the sex is cut out of the movie (sorry guys).  How much of the Red Room of Pain and the other pieces from the book is in I don't know.  I can see this is another conversation I will have to have with my sons.  You have to tell them that 99.999999% of women do not like what they see in porn movies.  Having watched some hard core porn I cringe at what some of those women do put up with.  And this is where men and women differ.  Men are aroused by the visual whereas women would rather let their imaginations work.   Porn in the visual form simply doesn't do it for me and I know not for most women.  And it is because it isn't reality.  

Now I have to tell them that most women would most likely lay a charge of assault against them if they were to strike them in anyway so for heavens sake talk about it first!!  That any form of spanking, smacking, restraining etc needs consent, knowledge and awareness that no is no.  You can't shut your eyes and pretend it away, rather be open and honest and explain it so they understand. 

It's hard being a parent today.  You can no longer hide behind the 'birds and the bees' and think a packet of condoms and the morning after pill will take care of any problems.  Kids are exposed to hard core stuff before we even realise.  I can almost guarantee a lot of the ' hard core' movie scenes in 50 Shades are nothing in comparison to what most 16-18 year olds have already accessed via mobiles and tablets thanks to the internet.  And even then with the younger kids if you turn on the TV it is a case of sex sells so almost everything they see exposes them to sex in some way.  

I wonder who will address the state of their sex lives 20 years from now?

Valentines Day leads to a lot of expectations and false hopes and results in a lot of let downs and broken hearts.  This year I think we'll see a double whammy thanks to 50 Shades of Grey.  Life isn't as simple as Ana & Christian would have us believe. 

Sex between 2 consenting partners is a gift.  Treat it as such. 

With communication and trust it is the closest you will ever be to another human being while on earth.  You expose all your flaws and risk ridicule but if you feel safe you will take that risk.  With the right lover you will never feel those body insecurities.  You will feel like the most gorgeous person on the face of the earth no matter how you look.  You should feel treasured, satisfied and loved, even if it isn't a permanent relationship, after sex, or love-making, however you want to term it.  Don't sell yourself short when it comes to the satisfaction of your needs.  You should be comfortable to just be.  

That should be the state of your sex life.  

Happy Valentines 2015

In the words of Stephen Hawking "We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we understand the Universe. That makes us something special."

Although all animals have the senses of sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch, we as the 'advanced breed of monkeys' are able to appreciate the nuances.  We take a lot for granted in the rush of everyday life and I wonder if any of you have ever stopped and reflected on any of your senses which are with you every moment of the day.  It's been quite an odd weekend as I have had a few moments where my senses have been fully engaged at various moment. 

Our senses have the power to evoke strong memories and transport us back to times in our past, whether good or bad, where we have a chance to reflect either on growth from a bad situation or bathe in the recollection of a happy memory.

Some of my favourites across the senses : 

Smell : 
Vanilla
Citrus
Rain
The smell of the ground after a storm
Freshly baked scones
Sea 
Baby powder
Freshly cut grass
New and old books

Sound : 
Rain
Thunder
Laughing children
Piano 
Waves crashing on the shoreline
The wind
Music
Running water

Taste :
Vanilla ice cream
Creamy lindt chocolate 
Freshly baked bread just out the oven with lashings of butter
Watermelon on a hot day
A hot cup of tea on a cold day 
Cheeses
Fresh scones

Sight : 
Watching the sea
Watching sunrise from my bed
Winter sunsets
The mist rolling in over the valley 
The innocence of children at play
Animals in their natural environment
The pure love from my animals when I get home at the end of the day - it is on their faces
Watching dancing

Touch : 
A hug from my children
The gentle stroke of a lovers' fingers down my spine
A fleecy blanket in winter
The sand under my feet on the beach
The breeze against my skin
Being held 
A cool shower on a hot summers day
The warmth of the sun

A lot of the senses are tied into experiences and feelings.  And I this is where us as 'advanced monkeys' have the upper hand.  We tie our senses in with emotions.  But that makes us unique and special and I like that.   I'm a very sensory person so I know my emotions are tied into what my senses are experiencing all the time.  Having decided to live a more mindful life this year, and going forward, one of my goals is to be more in touch with all of my senses.  Experiencing them in the now and appreciating them.  We are blessed if we are in possession of all our senses.  Appreciate what you have.  

What are your favourites across your senses?

In my opinion January is the most unproductive of all the months in the year.  We are all coming down from the holiday high and trying to get ourselves back into work mode.  In the midst of that, those of us that are parentals have to get our brains into gear and gather stationery and uniforms and all the other bits our darling offspring need to start their new school year.  And while you trying to scramble over the mad dash for those last of Christmas sales and 2-for-1 stationery specials you are also tripping over all the damn hearts and Cupids in the run up for Valentines on 14 February and the happy bunnies for Easter .... IN APRIL!!!!!!

It has to the be the most mixed up month there could possibly be.  Yet we do survive it in our own ways.  For myself I've come to the conclusion I will in future officially start my new year in February.  January will just become 31 days of getting the necessary done for the year ahead and from February my year proper can start.  Perhaps that way I can retain a bit more sanity.    

My January was an odd month.  I didn't get a lot of stuff done that I had planned to but I'm okay with that.  It isn't going anywhere and I'll deal with it as I can.  Although I didn't achieve as much as I wanted to I do have a clearer idea of the direction I'm headed in.  I've spent a lot of time in my head.  I've done a lot of reading.  I've done a lot of planning. And it's all good. I feel in control and on track.  

It wasn't a bad month.  Just a complicated one.  

February brings changes for me.  

• New offices in a quieter part of town.  Instead of looking at blinds and the corner of the wall  (or an empty parking lot and back of workshops if I open the blinds) my view will now be of green trees and sky. 
• No more popping out to the garage next door for a convenience lunch... because I forgot to make time to make lunch... will now have to do some planning and take lunch.  My diabetes will thank me.
• I will be working full day again after working until 2pm for the last 3.5 years.  My health too will thank me as I will now take part in the walking club I joined in December but have been too lazy to drive back down to after leaving the office at 2pm.  It is 5 minutes from the office and starts at 5pm... I finish at 4.30pm.. change, hop in car and show up, 3x a week, no excuses really... 

A lot  of friends have sympathised that I will be working full day again.  I'm actually looking forward to it.  A new challenge in way and one I relish.  Time to stretch my brain again.  Just like everybody else I too get frustrated at the office over a variety of things but on the whole I am lucky in that I enjoy my work. It is challenging and each transfer unique through the people you deal with.  

Of course it will be an adjustment to work full day again but I think if anything challenge or change is faced with at least some enthusiasm and anticipation you are halfway there already.  There is no point in being negative.  It is happening regardless.  Life brings us what we need.  We just have to be receptive to the message... even if it isn't packaged the way we would like it to be.  And trust me 99% of the time it is not going to be packaged the way we want it to be! 

So goodbye January 2015.  You were another turning point for me.  Some good lessons learnt.  Some wonderful experiences and new sights which I shall treasure forever.  Special times and memories with special people. Good photography.  Some not so wonderful moments and some incredibly infuriating and frustrating ones.   Yin and Yang.  Good and Bad finding balance. 

So hello and welcome February - I look forward to challenges you will bring me and and will facing them head held high and filled with courage and anticipation.