Life seems to be a series of hard knocks and tough decisions at the moment, with no clear indication of which way to go. Logicially yes I know what I should be doing and the decisions I should be making. Emotionally I guess it is a whole other ball game for me right now. I know you supposedly only ever given what you can handle.. 'whatever' is my only reply to that. It's like telling a heavily pregnant woman that she is glowing... unless you've been there you have no idea and chances are the only thing that will be glowing is your bruised eye!!
Right now I can't focus to far in the past or look to deep into the future. I simply don't have the energy to deal with a lot of issues that would come up but if I had to use the above quote to look at the past year I think I'd have a pretty good idea of where I need to be heading.
A year ago I was in a position which meant stepping up to the plate. Taking on some demons and empowering myself so that I could dictate my future and not have it controlled by outside forces. Not one single step was easy and there were days I didn't think I'd make it out on the other side. It's never easy but once you do take that first step you find the second, third and forth become much easier and so you make progress. Even if it is slow.
That slow progress has over the past 12 months empowered me. I feel more comfortable in my skin, imperfect but mine. I am able to say no with courage and not fear being unpopular. I have walked away from people and situations which cause me stress, realising that I am entitled to put myself first. It is after all my life. Focusing on my needs has brought new and wonderful people into my life. People I treasure and who I possibly would not have met had it not been for the set of circumstances I found myself in. I have started to unravel some of the issues that have shaped my life and am slowly understanding myself better each day. It will be slow progress but it is still progress. I am learning to be unapologetically me.
So where does that leave the future?
Should I have expectations?
It's hard. Right now I'm having to make a decision which impacts on those closest to me. Yet I have no experience to experiment with. I'm having to go in blind. This isn't a case of taking a tablet and fixing a problem. It's become a case of changing an enviornment in the hopes that it only has a positive impact. However I won't know that for maybe many many years to come. It isn't fair on me to have that 'happy expectation' - this could be the worst decision I'm making but I know I no longer have a choice and have very little time to work with.
So right now the only expectation I have of myself is the courage to live with the decision and to let go.