A good word for me. I like to control my world. I like knowing what is happening, when, where and how and I and I will very rarely deviate from arranged plans or my opinion. Not necessarily because I believe I am always right or because I'm too set in my ways but simply because change scares me. The best way to deal with that fear - control - don't deviate. Ever.
But I'm learning a little bit of deviation and a little less control is good for the soul.
Met up with my best friend today for a quick happy birthday coffee as I won't be here on Saturday to wish her. I had to stop in and check on Kyle as I was in the area (and for reasons I'll explain another day) and he had asked if he could come along. Usually I would have said no straight out but I decided to take along my eldest so while Den and I chatted the boys could catch up and also decide on whether they were going to attend their Dad's wedding (I won't even try to explain that!).
While Den and I chatted the boys decided to take a walk down to Davenport Centre... usually a big no for me but I let them wander off. Neither had a cellphone so I couldn't check up on them but then again I didn't have a cellphone growing up so my parents couldn't check up on me on a whim either. I didn't check the time or panic and in time the boys arrived back with a gift for Den (without any nudging from me).
They both made me proud today. And I made myself proud today. They thought of somebody other than themselves and bought her a gift from the both of them. Although teenage boys in a public place they were not afraid to show love and affection to a woman who has been there for them all their lives. That makes me so proud. I have 2 strapping young men who will still give a hug and a kiss and say I love you. So very important.
Despite all 3 of us have issues with their father we have all made the decision to let it go and from my example of not influencing their decision on whether or not to attend his wedding, except to say that despite everything it would be right thing to do, they have decided they will go. And believe me (and he knows if he reads this it's true) they have plenty of reason to not go.
So my unexpected decision to include the boys in my afternoon resulted in a pleasant afternoon. My boys spent time chatting to each other over a meal without me hovering over them and without the influence of the Xbox or computer and other games. I got to enjoy time with my best friend while still having my boys close by.
I learnt as well that I can teach them to let go of past hurts by my own example. That hanging on to anger and bitterness will never help me or them. It isn't even about maturity. It's about the knowledge of what is and isn't important. Yes he is the father of my children and he always will be. Our relationship is past but they control their future relationship with him. Not me. And I need to stop taking responsibility for it.
I realised I can let them walk a few blocks in the centre of Glenwood without having an anxiety attack. I need to trust their instincts and ability to start looking after themselves and give them credit where credit is due. They will always be my babies but they are no longer little boys.
So today I had an unexpected sunshine afternoon and I started to cut the apron strings and let go.
It feels good. It feels safe. I'm deviating.....