All fair and well except some days I'm lucky to remember who I am and where I am in the present moment... now you asking me to remember 20 years ago?? Well I was 17 turning 18 – going into my final year of high school. A young girl becoming a young woman and facing the usual teenage issues all of us go through.
Could I have imagined the way my life turned out? No, never, not in a million years. I am sure that is shared by millions of us every day. How many of us go "What happened to me?" "Who am I?" "Where am I going and where did I come from?"
So to remember I will need to begin at the end and maybe in time I will tap into those memories and rediscover myself.
2013 has to have been the most challenging year I have ever faced in my life...
Quite a statement taken in context to becoming a wife to a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive man at 20, a mother on my 21st birthday, again at 23, divorced by 26 ... this still not ending the emotional and mental abuse.
I was single mom to 2 small boys with a youngest son who just didn’t tick the correct boxes.. but I didn’t have a clue of what was to come.
Moving along with time in there was re-marriage, an instant family of husband plus 4 boys aged 7 to 14, leaving me the only woman standing in an all male home.
My only sister and her family immigrating to Australia 5 years ago. My mom going shortly afterwards and although she is back for now she too will be moving back there soon.
And of course the millions of other commitments that make up our lives; friends, chores, shopping, bills, holidays, the list is endless and exhausting.
In this mix my youngest son got progressively worse. From February 2006 I had been through paediatricians, psychiatrists, psychologists, play therapist, trying to work out what was going on. I've had Kyle in psychiatric care four times between March 2011 and November 2012. It is mind blowing in every bad way you can think of. How do you leave your 11 year son in a Psychiatric Ward... while you can hear him screaming for you? Trying to leave ward while he clutches at your clothes and holding on so tight that the nursing staff must physically remove him and sedate him. Sitting in the hospital car park trying to calm down and then having to face the drive home while sobbing so hard you can barely see where you are going. How I didn't write myself off on one of those nights I still don't know. Makes you believe in guardian angels and I know I certainly put them through their paces.
The last 2 years have been less than charming, in fact down right down horrific at points.
I was so hoping 2013 would be a more peaceful year. While Kyle was still doing his utmost to be as difficult as possible I was just hoping and praying there would be some kind of light at the end of tunnel....
And then due to various factors I found myself back in a court-room facing off with my ex-husband 11 years after our divorce. Usually by this time the dust has settled between couples and life is ho-hum. Well it seems I like to do things back to front. So for 11 years I towed the line, didn't rock his boat and kept the peace... Ha that will teach me - next time just be the hard-arse bitch and get it over with up front!
I was forced to get a protection order and he retaliated in fine form. Unbelievably, despite the evidence presented by me and the lack of evidence from him, the very same Magistrate that made my Order Final decided I had to come back into public court and defend myself against trumped up ridiculous statements made by the only man I had had children with. I was horrified. I am still horrified.
In between this the conditions of my order required us to meet the Family Advocate to decide his rights of access to the boys. While I don’t want to run down anyone, sadly by electing not to read reports submitted on the state of Kyle’s mental health the Family Advocate’s Office handed Kyle the final nail and hammer to try and sink me for good. I realised I was dealing with a carbon copy of father and son.
Never in my life have I reached the depths of despair that I did and which few know about. Between June and September there were moments I doubted my sanity, my ability to function and lost my will to live. It was the darkest time of my life. A place I wouldn't wish on my harshest enemy
Makes me believe that hell is not a place we go to – it is a place we live in every day .