I was told today that I don't just burn the candle at both ends, I melt it in the middle and chuck it in the fire...
Why...?
One word answer...
Fear...
This year has been terrible for a lot of different reasons. Kyle really spinning out of control, court battles with my ex-husband, being sucker punched by Kyle deciding to go live with his dad, Nathan falling apart. It isn't a state secret that I hit rock bottom and didn't have much motivation to pick myself up again. Opting out was a real possibility on a number of occasions - driven by pure desperation that anything, even death, would be better. A relief from the pain and fear that were simply constants.
Now Kyle is gone and I find myself replacing my time and energy spent on him with almost anything else to keep myself busy... I'm on that bicycle just spinning ever faster so that I don't ever stop and breathe and enjoy the scenery. Quite frankly I'm to scared to stop and smell the roses.. purely because they might be next to my hospital bed! I'm afraid stopping and allowing my brain to catch up will unleash all those demons in full force and so maybe I'm just running scared..
Hopefully I will tire soon and be able to slow down and the demons won't overpower all I have gained over the last period... only time will tell.
“I want the viewers to be moved into the lives of the people that they are looking at,
the visual experience is incredibly emotional.”
- Paul Fusco
the visual experience is incredibly emotional.”
- Paul Fusco