Birthdays - love them, hate them or love to hate them.  If we are blessed they happen with surprising regularity on a yearly basis.  Each year grants us the blessing of a year of memories made, and the hope of a year ahead for more memories.  Age is just a number.  I guess it is, but it is also a number which increases relentlessly each year despite our wish for time to slow down, and there are times we wish it would.  The contradiction is the young wish to be older and the old wish to be younger.   We never seem satisfied with where we fall on the age scale.  

39.

Neither a milestone birthday or one which should have you wishing to be younger or older.  You should be comfortably living at this stage of your life.  Life should have by now settled into a predictable pattern of family routines, school runs, Saturdays spent shopping for the weekly groceries and paying the bills, 8 - 5 jobs which are the careers which will see you into retirement, mortgages, car repayments, friends over for dinner and all the other things your typical 39 year old is doing.  If you have tweens you are snowed under with One Direction & Taylor Swift.  If teens you are starting the late night pick ups from friends as they start to spread their wings in independence and defiance and your worries will be about drugs, unwanted pregnancies and their career and friend choices.  In between all this you are trying to fit in gym, the odd glass of wine with girl-friends, your own hobbies.  Your own identity is in there somewhere. 

I'm a bit in between - my days of school runs are nearly over, the car is paid for, I have by choice not invested in property and I rarely entertain in my home.  A career change is not an unthinkable thing at this stage of the game. I have hobbies, never make it to the gym and rarely drink anymore.  And in thanks to all that is good and pure I am not subjected to One Direction or Taylor Swift craziness and my baby will be 16 this year.  

So why is this birthday different - what marks it out for me.  

The passage of 20 years.  

1995, looking back, was in fact a jammed packed year for me.  My first year out of school.  I went straight into secretarial college in the January and was then offered a job 6 months into my year long course and was a member of the 'workforce' by the August, paying taxes, with a retirement annuity and medical aid.  It was the year South Africa won the Rugby World Cup and the year I got my drivers license.  Also the year I had my appendix out while my 4 year relationship with my high school sweetheart came to an end and the year I met the man that was to be the father of my children.  In between there was clubbing until dawn with friends, seeing in the new day sitting on the beach and gyming, shopping and gossiping - all the things normal 19 year olds get up to.    

In retrospect most of what took place in 1995 shaped the next 20 years of my life and has led me to where I am today.

And it has been some journey. 

I have few regrets.  Hell yes I've made mistakes and some colossal ones at that, however mistakes are a learning curve.  Curves I have come to appreciate with the passage of time.  I know know that until you learn the lesson it will simply keep repeating in some way, shape or form until you do.  Sometimes you need those repetitions.  It's okay.  I've also accepted I have 'curves' and the gym body I had before kids is alas nothing but a distant memory.  

Regrets will take away all my achievements over the years.  Raising two sons,  surviving a divorce, muddling through a second marriage and stepkids, driving again after 10 years, building a career, friendships I have made.   All of this shapes the woman I am today. 

Looking back though there are nuggets of advice I wish I had known 20 years ago as a fresh faced 19 year old.  I know I probably would not have listened, being just as stubborn as my boys who also think they know better than Mom who is trying to stop them making the same mistakes. 

However I do sometimes wonder "If I had known then what I know now, would I have still made those decisions?".  Most likely - but here are 19 things I do wish I had known regardless.    

1. No person can ever complete you except yourself.  Do not rely on relationships, love affairs, old friendships or co-workers to fill the empty gaps.  Fill those gaps with self love.  You will be a much better person for it. 
2. Travel.  You are not a tree.  Yes you live in one of the best hometowns in the world but it will still be there after you have been out and seen some of the world.  But also save some of the travelling for after the kids are grown - you are likely to appreciate it more.
3. Don't let one accident keep you from driving for a decade.  Accidents happen - pick yourself up and get on the horse again - or in this case behind the wheel. 
4. Journal!  Your memory will get faulty at some stage and you will forget.  Write your memories down and on raining days pull out your journals and relive your hopes, dreams and fears.  You may just find that what was so important 5 years ago really doesn't matter today.  It will help you in the future to decide which battles are worth fighting for and which you should just let go of. 
5. Trust your instincts.  Very rarely will your gut let you down!
6. Not everyone you meet and invite into your space will remain in your life.   Death, differing opinions, life circumstances, distance - all those things will mean the end of friendships and relationships.  Accept it graciously and move on.  Preserve your memories and go make some more elsewhere.  Everyone we meet is there for a reason, season or lifetime.  Learn to distinguish between them and don't hang on to the reasons!  And know that on the flip side sometimes you have to just 'grin and bear' some people you really could do without - that is life.  
7. Do not skimp on good linen.  Slipping between good quality sheets after a hard day at work, an exhausting day herding kids or a fight with a lover will feel so much better when you sink into comfort.  And trust me on this - crying on good linen makes you look less of a scarecrow the next morning! 
8. On that note don't hoard the candles, good wine or things that do not bring you pleasure.  Use the candles to light the bathroom while you drink the wine and turf the junk.  One mans junk is another man's treasure.  Just remember though if you have kids and you thinking of sending Barnie to the Toy Graveyard it will have to be in the dead of night (and they will still most likely wake up and catch you in the act!).  And never ever, for the love of all that is good and pure get hamsters..... (unless you prepared to release those in the dead of the night as well!)
9. Not everything can be explained and not everything has to have a schedule.   Go with the flow.
10. Parenting is not for the faint hearted.  You will love your children but they will drive you crazy. Most of the time you will fly by the seat of your pants but it's okay - you will all come out alive.  Bit worn and weary but alive.   As long as they are fed, clothed, warm and loved then you are doing okay and do not let anyone else tell you any differently! 
11. Go to the theatre and the film festivals.  Attend music concerts and poetry readings.  Appreciate the arts.  Keep up with the current news but don't let it consume you.   Read books (actual paper turning ones please), newspapers and good magazines. 
12. Keep learning - it can be as small as a new recipe or as big as a new language.  Your brain will keep being a sponge as long as you keep feeding it.   Number 11 counts here to.
13. In the competitive job market NEVER say 'but that isn't in my job description'.  You never know what new skills could bring you or when a bad turn could put you out of work.  Keep honing your skills.  
14. Accept help when it is offered and don't be too proud to ask for it either.  You aren't superhuman.
15. Stress is a silent sneaky bitch that will play havoc with your body - manage the stress and take care of your health.
16. You always have freedom of choice - but remember with that freedom comes acceptance of consequence. 
17. Play.  Your inner child never dies.
18. Never dumb yourself down for anyone, accept less than you deserve or think it's okay to be bullied or abused, whether mentally, emotionally or physically.  It is NEVER okay.  Also know that you CANNOT change anyone except yourself. If you think you need to change him you are in the wrong relationship.  You have the final say on how you allow anybody to treat you - make sure your choose wisely.   And remember you have a backbone, an opinion and a life of your own! 
19. And in every role you play in your lifetime hang on to your individuality with the stubbornness of a mule!  You will be a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, employee, co-worker, friend, lover, wife, ex-wife, acquaintance, soccer mom, nurse and a number of other titles in between but remember to be YOURSELF, your true self.  Know that you are a beautiful soul with much to offer the world and on days when you least believe it keep repeating it to yourself.  

I've learnt some good lessons over the last 20 years and I will carry the knowledge forward as I embark on new adventures in the next 20 years.  The song 100 years by Five for Fighting has recently had a lot of playtime by me because I see myself aging and knowing that I can't go back - 15, 22 & 33 are years I remember well - lets see where 45, 67 & 99 take me. 

I intend to make the most of it.  

The human brain is an amazing thing - the left develops our logical thought and the right our creative freedom and somewhere in between they meet to produce magic.  We can all create a little bit of magic if we just allow ourselves the confidence in our own abilities and learn to block out the negativity of critics.  

Am I the logical left or the creative right?  A combination of both or leaning more one way then the other?

Although my write up along side says 'photographer' I am that in a very loose use of the word.  I am not a professional, nor do I know all the technical lingo that goes with photography and cameras.  I'm very likely to give you a blank look if you ask me how many megapixels the camera has, pretty much how I am with my car.  It needs to go from A to B so it is my tin can on wheels.  My camera needs to take photographs and I'm not concerned with what it is doing inside to achieve that photograph. 

I got my first DSLR in 2008.  The photography bug really bit around 2010 when I started getting more opportunities to get out and take photographs and by 2011 I had joined a camera club and my photographic journey began.  In between I was Admin on a weekly photographic page on Facebook and I slowly learnt the different terminology and basic rules of photography. 

As a general rule of thumb you would attend some courses first to get to grips with the actual workings of your camera and eventually give you the confidence to shoot in a mode other than Auto - that big green button on most cameras.  I really learnt by default, much like I do in life.  Make a mistake, work out what is wrong, fix it, repeat and hope I get it right.

Over time I built up skill, learnt what the different buttons were for and became a more 'finished' photographer with the work I was putting up.  But the technical side of things still didn't grab me.  I wouldn't stop and consciously set the exposure, aperture and composition and take one shot. I would just shoot and see what I got when I downloaded for editing.  

With the twists and turns that are life photography fast became my personal "go to therapy".  It was a place that allowed me to escape into my own world, both while out shooting and in coming home and closeting myself up in my office to process and post shots.  As I grew confident with my camera skills I started to explore with editing options, first with Picasa, then Photoscape and working my way through to Photoshop.  I learnt about textures, played with exposure and generally learnt more terminology such as levels and saturation and curves which added to my creative abilities with my shots. 

Facebook and Flickr allowed me to explore other avenues of photography and I gained exposure to different genres along the way.  You generally as a photographer start shooting flowers and move on from there and the only way to try and set a standard for your work is with comparison to the work of others and feedback from other photographers.  

By 2013 my genre of choice, and the genre I would choose if I was told it was the only way I could shoot for the rest of my life, was black & white minimalism.  For me the simplicity of an uncluttered shot, often in high key, is beautiful.  As photography was my therapy and my physical world was cluttered and messy I sought out ways to introduce calmness - and black and white minimalism gave me that.  I was shooting with my soul, not my head. 

I have over time found myself gravitating back to flower photography, although I usually combine the photograph with textures so that I don't create a textbook shot but rather a piece of personal art.  Street Photography would make up my happy triangle of the three genres I enjoy most, although I do shoot other subjects as well.  Portrait work being my least favourite of all the genres.  

Circumstances and a need for a different kind of commentary on my photos led me to change camera clubs a little over a year ago.  The club that I started with do not use the more formal kind of judging which is used by the Photographic Society of South Africa (PSSA).  As with any field I personally felt I had reached a ceiling and in order to move forward with my photography and make some personal life choices about what direction I wanted to go in I needed to see what feedback my photos would receive on a PSSA level of judging.  

The feedback through the new club is useful and positive.  PSSA requires 3 basics as you move through the star levels - sharpness in the right place, proper exposure and use of the composition rules.  Certain categories such as nature and photojournalism do not allow for the removal of those pesky branches in front of the lions nose or that oddball character in your 'news' shot.  If nothing else I have learnt to pick out the focus point of a shot at a glance, which is a good skill to have regardless of whether it is skill or emotion you are shooting from.  Moving through the first 3 levels are fairly rapid and then once on level 3 to advance further you have to enter and get acceptances with what are known as salons.    (http://www.pssa.co.za/  for more info).  

But again I find I am at another ceiling and in fact I've really stopped shooting for the most part and more often then not use my cellphone and use Instagram as my 'show place'.  The difference of a PSSA shot in comparison to a emotion shot is huge (for me anyway) and I seem unable to find it in me to bridge that gap.   

Which brings me to my questions - do we shoot with skill or emotions?  Are we able to combine the two successfully and still progress or do we need to choose one route?  Personally for myself I think the answer is a no to combining the skill and emotion and it has to be left or right - the magic in the middle is just not happening for me.  

At the top of the post I have shared two photographs, a good macro shot of a jumping spider, which was taken this year with the benefit of the skills I've picked up through PSSA and a blurred image of a woman taken during a random night street shoot of the wet streets in the city centre - she was in fact not the focal point of the photograph but rather a piece of a shot that I discovered in post processing.  As black and white is my preferred medium I have used black and white shots for comparison here. 

The spider was a gold on PSSA judging.  The lady - I don't think I could enter her in any category except perhaps visual art - even though it isn't actually an altered reality shot - it is as shot and just converted to black and white.  

If I choose to stay on a PSSA level for advancement on star ratings I would have to consciously change the way I shoot in order to ensure I get the shot technically right.  It isn't me though and it means I face the chance of losing my passion for photography.  I can feel it - the pressure of a technically 'good' shot has dampened my enthusiasm to go and shoot.  The therapy I gain from shooting from an emotional viewpoint is far more valuable to me then getting to 5 star level and as I am striving to live a more authentic and mindful life, and being present in my decisions,  I personally need to take that into consideration when I pick up my camera and look through the viewfinder.  

And what would life be without the bizarre twists and turns?  

The image below of the 'yellow' flower has reached a ridiculous 40 039 views on Flickr.  On the day it was taken it reached Explor (the top 500 shots of the day) and eight months later it is still at number 33 for that day (photos move in and out of the top 500).  Yet it was taken with a cellphone on on a miserable day while I was waiting to see a Counselor at the Crisis Centre and feeling really low about life in general.  The focal point is way off from where it should be as the wind was blowing, causing blur.   Yet out of the 1225 photos I have in my photostream on Flickr that one has the most views, likes and comments.  

It is a totally random shot, in passing shot.  Go figure - emotion beat skill on that day.  And continues to be my winning and chosen formula in photography. 

I will keep clicking emotionally - it is how I shoot best.